A Name...

I apologize for my absence these past months. Though, I have been constantly coming up with stories to share or personal reflections on life or even just a few precious moments with my kids, I could not bring myself to sit down and type anything. My heart has been breaking and tearing in two these past couple months and it was not until Saturday that I felt a repair, almost like a stitch that brought healing to my brokenness.
I have been studying the book of James alongside Beth Moore and my mother-in-law. I love the challenges in studying the Word of God and for this stage of my life I appreciate the view that Beth Moore brings to the Scriptures. (As my husband joked this past week-I will always chose something spiritually challenging and he will always chose a fantasy type show). Last week, Andrew and I were watching the session three video where Beth Moore begins to share about a book called "I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy" by Angie Smith. Angie is the wife of Todd Smith, lead singer of Selah, a Christian band. (I have always loved this band and have danced/choreographed to their songs a number of times.) The book is about their fourth daughter, Audrey who was born with an "incompatible with life" diagnosis and later died two hours later. Beth Moore shared this quote: "I can distinctly remember the way grief and joy danced together as if they had a right to" (p. 31).  The dance of grief and joy-what a powerful explanation of my emotions these last couple months. I miss our baby. I miss my body changing with the growing of our child inside. I miss the excitement of walking through pregnancy with fellow pregnant friends. BUT, I am thankful that I am not pregnant because of the exhaustion that coincides. I am thankful because I know the Lord has HIS best for my life and our baby's life. I am thankful because these past two months we have been sick non-stop and I have been able to care for each one of my family members without the worry about myself and our child.
But this past Friday as I was rocking Rachel to sleep I began sharing with her the many people that love her. I began with her Heavenly Father, then her Mommy and Daddy, then her brother David, and her sister Mary, and then in my spirit there came a whisper that her two baby brothers in heaven loved her too. And then my heart healed. I knew deep down inside that we have two baby boys in heaven.
Let me share for a second: We have our oldest, David, a vibrant full of life, seven year old.  We named him after David in the Bible which means Beloved. Our prayer has been for him to be a man after God's own heart. Our hearts desire is for him to seek the Lord and praise Him with every ounce inside of him. I know without a doubt that God has his hands on David as well. At two months old, he beat the odds when he was diagnosed with meningitis and defied all the doctors' expectations. David's middle name is Aaron and comes from both his Daddy as well as my brother. It was a special way to show how David brought together two sides of the family.
We waited awhile before we thought about having a second one. I had finished college and I "was ready". :) After MANY months of trying, finally we had a glimmer of hope. We immediately shared with our family asking for prayer and not a week later I was sitting in an ob-gyn office losing our precious child. At that point in my life I desired a girl so much that I could not bear the thought of losing a baby girl and a boy's name just fit. So the baby was named Joseph William. Joseph means He will add and without a doubt we knew that the Lord would add to our children. Joseph from the Bible was a man who was persecuted all around, but kept his faith in God. He lived in a strange land, but continued to trust God despite when circumstances looked grim. William was for Andrew's grandfather, because the baby was due on his birthday.
The Lord did add and not many months later on a trip to get away we had another baby coming along. Mary Anne, my beautiful girl who has brought peace as well as laughter to our lives. Andrew was job searching when we found out we were expecting Mary and our ultrasound to find out whether she was a girl or boy was to be on his first day of his new job. However, we could not find a place so Andrew postponed his start date by two weeks. Andrew's mom, Andrew, David, and myself were all in the room when we were told we were having a girl. The shock and excitement filled the room. For myself, I had always wanted an older brother and thus I always wanted to have a boy first. But deep down, I also desired to have a sister close in age...and my two girls have that joy. (I love my sister so much and am so thankful for our relationship!) The funny part about finding out Mary was a girl is that we had already decided on her name...James. It was the first time that Andrew and I had come to each other with the same name, well that wouldn't work. After much prayer, the name Mary was decided upon after Mary sister to Martha in the Bible. Each time I would pray for her,I would get the picture of her sitting at Jesus feet worshipping and to this day she loves to worship Christ. Her middle name was decided after she was born and means grace. It is also Andrew's mom's middle name who was there to find out she was a girl and also the name Mary Anne together means worshipful spirit which is so appropriate.
Before Mary was even one years old, we had another one coming along and we were thrilled. I remember thinking we will never have a miscarriage again if we got pregnant so easily with this one. Nine months later another baby girl was born, Rachel Elizabeth.  We had not decided on a girls name, but the minute I held her, the name Rachel Elizabeth was whispered to me. Rachel came from the Bible character who was beautiful and loved by her husband, Jacob. The funny part is that Rachel means female sheep and from a young age she would make bleating sounds. She also to this day loves sheep and saying "baa". Elizabeth is Andrew's grandmother's name, but I have always loved that name and desired to use it.
And since we had lost our precious baby in December I had been wrestling with a name for our little one. After reading, Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo, I knew that our child was in heaven, but whether a boy or girl I just wasn't sure until Friday when I was rocking Rachel. The next day, I knew the name of our child...Samuel Allen. Samuel because the Lord answered our prayer as well as Hannah's in the Bible. Mary was praying for a baby boy and still does. Allen after my father-in-law, Kirk Allen. I will never forget the look on his face when we shared with all of our parents that we were expecting again. There was a look of pure joy and excitement that was unbridled. He was so proud and began sharing with so many our wonderful, joyous news. I know that though I will never hold our baby on this side of heaven that he is and was loved so deeply. His life touched our lives for the three short months that I carried him in my womb. Thank you baby boy for touching my life and the lives of many others. Thank you.
Names...they are so meaningful and gives each of us purpose. I love how the Lord has graciously given us names appropriate for our children and as I watch them grow up how fitting they are. I also love the very fact that we have chosen each of our names from the Bible. Though no one in the Bible is perfect except our Savior, each of the men and women in the Bible were special and important to Christ, just as my children are as well. For myself, my name means follower of Christ. It is my desire to everyday follow my Lord and Savior no matter where that may lead me both physically, but also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Thank you Lord for leading me!