What is a...

Blighted Ovum...
A blighted ovum was described to me that it is comparable to your body being pregnant without a child. Why would such an obscure miscarriage type be so personal to me? 

At the end of July, we found out exciting, but fearful news. We were expecting again but in light of our most recent blessing I was scared. Emotionally, I was not ready to go through another emotional roller coaster of possibly losing another baby. So we arranged for an ultrasound at 8 weeks and shared our news with as few people as possible since our previous loss felt so public. We went in for the ultrasound with nervousness, fear, excitement, and trembling. As the ultrasound technician searched Andrew and I realized what was missing when she left the room...the heartbeat. Instead of losing a child though we found out we were a rare case of a blighted ovum. Many times, the woman never even realizes she is pregnant, but I knew that I was. I felt it, every morning with nausea. Every afternoon was filled with exhaustion and napping for 2-3 hours. There was no denying what my body was telling me, but now due to modern technology things were seen through a different lens. As I was presented two options again (a natural miscarriage or a D&C) I chose the natural miscarriage as I had twice previously. This began the waiting game. Little did I know that July would turn into August and August into September and at 14 weeks I finally passed all of the physical remnants of my body's pregnancy. 14 weeks I carried around the growing of a child without actually carrying a child. My pants were beginning not to fit, I looked pregnant in certain outfits. I grew worried about what would happen if I waited much longer and what if Andrew was in DC. I even went through periods of possible hope as if God has changed my circumstances. But the night before I was to dance and again offer my body as a living sacrifice for worship; everything was released. As always God's timing is perfect. That night Andrew and I were discussing the idea of seeing angels as I had just finished the book "To Heaven and Back." (A wonderful book with many powerful truths about God and His relationship with His people).  Right as we talked, Andrew walked into our bathroom and saw an angel who filled the entire room.  About 5 minutes later, my body began having contractions. Looking back I am able to see the perfection in God's timing. The kids were asleep, Andrew was right there by my side, and the peace of God was surrounding me throughout the entire experience. It was the longest night of my life-more time than all of my labors, but I was set free. I was no longer pregnant or carrying any physical, emotional, or spiritual wounds. The Lord had set me free and as a friend who was to pick me up less than 2 hours after the final passing saw me she said "I looked like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders." Needless to say I didn't dance and gratefully we were able to move it to 6 weeks later (a wonderful recovery time). And as I prepare my body for dancing again and recall the beginning of this journey I am always so grateful that God's timing and love for me is perfect even when my body is not.

Spelling, Fun, and Easy!

There are so many updates that I have swirling around in my head, but for today I will share about the love I have for All About Spelling. This program has blown me away. When I began homeschooling (officially for kindergarten) two years ago, I felt like I had one year to accomplish it all. When we were homeschooling last year I took the recommendations of all my friends who had been doing it a lot longer than I and combined them all into one curriculum. Needless to say, that was WAY too much and we were spending ALL day "doing" school instead of having fun. The one program that I did not chose based on a personal recommendation, but on my own research was All About Spelling. I cannot say enough about how thankful I am to have taken a leap of faith. But I also have thoroughly enjoyed it. It is easy for me to use as the teacher. It is interactive with tile magnets and word cards. It also is systematic (which is key for me) and thus my son has been learning spelling in ways that make sense to him. It is not a spelling test every week, but learning what the letters say and how to form words. We are starting Level 2 this year and that is where we begin to learn about "rule breakers" and they get sent to jail. We aren't there yet so I can't inform you too deeply about it, but the idea is exciting for both my son and myself.
They have just added onto their Spelling interactive programs by creating an All About Reading program. When I first read about it, I knew this was what I wanted to get for the girls. Now, my son is an amazing reader. He is incredible, reading far higher than his grade level. But to be honest, I am not sure how it happened. We started with Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. I got bored with it quickly and I think we only got to lesson 23 13. Then we moved onto just trying to read Level 1 readers and honestly I don't even recall what happened except overnight, he was a reader. As the librarian commented the other day, they sure love their books. Yes, they do! My daughter, Mary, is so intrigued to learn how to read. I had found Bob Book collections at our local Sam's Club and she requests the "shape" books to be read everyday. She is now "reading" along and finishing the sentences. But, I don't feel like I know the best way to take her from A to B so to speak. When I look at the All About Reading program, I feel like it has the answers of how I can go from A to B concisely with clear comprehension. Hopefully someday soon I can share with everyone, my love for AAR as well. :)

Birthdays and Friends

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL BEAR!

I cannot believe that 2 years have come and gone since I was holding a precious newborn girl. I still remember the shock of being told that I had a little girl to care and love for. What an amazing blessing that has been. It has been a joy to watch you grow Rachel. You are fun, smiley, and bring laughter to our house. You love to try to speak the words that others use. Naked time is your best time. If you could hang out with your brother and sister all day you would be in heaven. They are both your best friends. You bring such joy to our family. You are beautiful. I love your desire to dance any time that music is on! I truly enjoy your fashion with swim goggles or a bicycle helmet. You are also always cuddling and knowing exactly what we each need. I love how you always carry your quilt and baby doll with you wherever you can. You also love to bring me your swimsuit to put on everyday! :) I am also blessed by your desire to still cuddle with me each morning even if it is for selfish reasons. You are truly a wonderful blessing and it is fun to have a little girl that is similar to me in so many ways. So many call us twins and what fun. You are such a physical girl in your movements, but yet so dainty and girly when it comes to wrestling. You love swinging on a swing all by yourself and never going high (unlike your sister). Thank you Rachel for the joy you have brought to our family!

And what a delight it was to have a dear friend come and celebrate Rachel's birthday with us. It is always so near and dear when friends are reunited and this one is no different. Karianne and I danced together during college, but then when we taught pointe together so many memories were made. I am so thankful for my wonderful friendship with her and am so thankful that when our paths cross in the Pittsburgh area it is like time stood still as we catch up on each others lives. I am so thankful for you friend and cannot wait to see what all the Lord has planned for you & Tim!!

A Day on the Farm

A favorite childhood memory of mine is going to my grandparents farm. So yesterday we piled the kids back into the car and took a trip to the farm. What a wonderful and relaxing way to spend the day!! There are horses, chickens, baby kittens, a garden, watermelon, watercolor painting, and lots of yard to run, play, and get dirty! Of course my favorite part is spending time with my grandparents! Thanks Mom-mom & Pop-pop for a special day! It will be one that will last forever!

Watercolor Painting

Chickens

LOTS & LOTS of Watermelon!

Last years potatoes that survived!

Surrounded by fresh food!

If he could garden all day, he would!

Look at those beautiful beets!

A dirty child equals a child that has had lots of fun!

Get those kittys 

I want the kitty Mommy!

My favorite memory is of all the horses!

Happy 4th of July!

HAPPY 4th of JULY to everyone!

What a joy it is to celebrate the 4th this year! It is wonderful to remember where America began and look at where it is today. This past year for school we studied American history and took trips to Philadelphia, Washington DC, and Williamsburg. We later took a trip through many of the southern colonies of the original 13 and saw the vast difference between the north and the south in just culture and geography. What a miracle it was to bring 13 vastly different states to come together and become one nation and yet that is exactly what happened.

Liberty Bell in Philadelphia, PA

Williamsburg, VA

A state along our 13 state Adventure...Arkansas

We spent the day packing for camp and traveling through MD to the state of PA. During our trip, we listened to Misty of Chincoteague by Marguerite Henry. It was the first time, we had ever listened to a book on cd for a trip and I would say it was a huge success. There was no whining for another movie, no fighting, either kids slept or listened and/or read the story.

Do I turn the page now?

Our faithful driver!!

Just want to be like my sister & brother!

In the evening, we celebrated with the Orr grandparents and even got to see a few fireworks. The kids were running around catching fireflies all night. David would have 4 or 5 on his hand at a time. Mary would capture one and not want to let it go. She wanted to keep it. Rachel just keep looking and smiling. The kids just looked so free to be themselves and have fun! It was a scene that brought tears to my eyes.

When in doubt, look for a boy running and you will find David!

A sweet time with family...It had been since Jan since we have been here.

One of her favorite spots

And it was all the more perfect watching the girls run around in their matching dresses I made. I did not learn very much about sewing growing up and over the past couple months many people have come up and asked if I sew clothes for my kids. I always responded no, but it got me thinking about the possibility. I also had thought about sewing the girls pillowcase dresses and anyways through many forms of encouragement I worked up the courage to sew them for 4th of July. My original intention was in June, but it takes me so much courage to sew that I made them July 3rd. However, I just stood smiling at the girls twirling and laughing in the shimmery dresses that were designed and made just for them!

Happy Independence Day from my family to yours!!

Thank You

Thank You...those were the two words that came out of my daughter's mouth today that nearly brought me to tears. We were walking back from the playground, she was ahead of me with her brother leading, and Rachel next to me when she turned around and said those magic words. It is a moment that I want to capture forever. We had finished lunch and I looked around and said grab your shoes and let's head outside. I honestly am not completely sure why except that I knew Rachel would benefit from being outside before nap time, David could use a break from school, and I wanted a little bit of time to read my new book "Pocketful of Pinecones." So we headed outside and boy was it beautiful. A lady was walking by remarking what a perfect day it was. I watched my kids roll down the hill, run through the grass, find the new grass and hide in it, and just have fun together. Next thing I know the girls are off to the playground and so David and I follow. They climbed on the jungle gym, Rachel swung with a baby, David and Mary collected pinecones, and we looked for nature. Then David took Mary back to his secret hideout with a climbing tree and bamboo shoots. I have to admit, it is the coolest hangout. Rachel and I went back as well. We spent time there and then it was time to head back in from our adventure. We picked up our pinecones to use for a later craft and were walking back to our place when she said it...thank you. I said "for what Mary?" She replied, "for playing on the playground and outside and pinecones" and off she ran with the biggest smile! All I could reply was "You're welcome" with a smile on my face.
Then just a couple hours later I got this message....
I Love You
I Love You too!
Thank You Lord!

Stay at Home Moms at the Park

Today was a beautiful day! I am so glad that friends of ours invited us to the playground for lunch and playing. We had a wonderful time running in the field, climbing the jungle gym, and slipping down the slides. We watched our kids swing on the swings. We watched the conquer fears of going down a fireman's pole. We enjoyed the precious moments of watching them have fun together and want to show us their new thing like "doing the monkey bars." 
I am so grateful for this friend. It is so neat how God places people in our lives at just the right time. This friend has been such an encourager and energizer for me. It truly has been a blessing to get to know her and her beautiful, three daughters. It is so fun to watch all our kids run around and just have pure fun together. 
Today, the topic about how you view your role of a stay at home mom came up. My friend was sharing how she has taken her girls to different parks recently and experiencing all sorts of new things such as baby lambs and a pregnant momma pig. She proceeded to ask where I like to take the kids and I had to stop and think. I could not honestly recall a park that we consistently go. I then shared that Andrew and I did everything together with David for the first 3 1/2 years. During that time, Andrew was always the one looking up new parks to go to or stopping at a fire station to explore. He was choosing new activities to pursue. However, when we moved to DC, (about 3 1/2 years ago) I would take the kids to DC to do things with Andrew during his lunch break or right after he got off work. But I began to struggle with a feeling of guilt each time we would go somewhere without Andrew. Andrew LOVES spending time with his family and nothing is more important to him. Though he never told me to stay at home and not have fun, I just began feeling like I couldn't have fun without him. I explain it like this that life happens when he is around. Not that life stops when he isn't, but at times it feels like it. But today as my friend and I were talking I realized that my kids are growing up. We have a wonderful opportunity to be together and I can either chose to have fun and show them new things or sit at home and chose complacency. Now I do not want to be running around all the time, I know that I need life at home to be stable and consistent. But I also need to feel free to go to a park, meet up with friends, and enjoy the day to day activities with my kids and not feel guilty about it. Then each weekend, I can treasure the moments we spend together as a family doing the many things we love to do. 
So what is your view of a stay at home mom? What would you chose to do with your kids? How important is being at home to you in terms of day to day activities or would you rather be spending your time checking out new things? What is an appropriate balance? How would you or do you fit homeschooling into trips to the park or zoo?

Dance and Seeds

Today was a good day. It was a healing day. It was a physically stretching day. For the first time since Christmas, I chose dance. I have been so afraid to dance that it was getting to the point of affecting me. Holding onto the barre today, I was reminded of a scene from one of my favorite dance movies, Center Stage. In the movie, towards the end, the ballet teacher Juliette peeks in on Jodie practicing. She is working extra hard and starting to get frustrated. She walks in and says "It's here...(points to the barre). No matter what happened....if you come back here...you'll be home." I came home today...back to the barre. 
That barre resides in a wonderful family's in home studio. For the last few weeks, Mr. Trew has been diligently working in the studio and making it into an amazing space. It is truly a wonderful space that serves two beautiful ladies and their gifts of dance as well as my family.  It has been a huge blessing in my life this past year. Thank you Trew Family!
Today was such a beautiful time. My family and I love listening to the Seeds Family Worship cds . So today I could not think of a better cd than those for dance today. I specifically picked out The Power of Encouragement volume.  On the cd, one of the songs is titled "Wonderfully Made." It has been touching the depths of my heart recently.  It has such a beautiful flow and is based on the Scripture of Psalm 139:14.  It was healing to dance to that song, but also tough as well. I am not the same person as the last time I danced. And there is a physical price to pay when you don't dance every day or even every week. I definitely have not stretched in awhile and so hopefully this will be a reminder to stretch again. :)
One of the most beautiful things about today was watching my three year old pull on her leotard, tights, shoes, and dance. Every week, I have the privilege to teach my daughter a skill that I have been doing since I was three. It is exciting to watch her plie, shuffle, and just move to the music. I am thankful for the opportunity to share my gift with my daughter. I am thankful that each week I can hold the barre, teach my daughter and plant seeds of worship into our hearts.

My Youngest...

Sometimes I wish I could capture moments in a time capsule. I would freeze frame time and just hold their little hands forever. It would be better than a photograph because it would be real. I thought of it this weekend because I am realizing how quickly children grow up. As I watch my youngest who recently turned 20 months, she already seems so grown up. It makes me realize that the 18 years or so with our children is very short. I want to reflect upon these precious little moments with her, my Mommy's girl. 
This weekend, she began taking my hand in such a precious way and leading me to new places that grabbed her attention. She came into the bathroom and sat with me, handing me toilet paper. She looked at me with her precious blue eyes and made my heart sing. She will tug at her clothes so she can dress up just like big sister and brother.  In fact, she wants to do everything big brother and sister do. Each time I sit in "my bible study chair" she brings me my writing utensils along with my Bible and workbook. Every time the music comes on, she is dancing along with it. She climbs out of her bed at night, opens the door, and peers at her Daddy and I on the couch begging to just have a couple more minutes with us. She climbs up into her chair asking for food. 
On Sunday with daylight savings time, we slept later and were in a rush for church so the cereal was not put away after breakfast. When we arrived home, Rachel climbed up into a chair and began eating the cereal from the bag. When I came in to check on her, all I got was the biggest smile from her. She was so proud of herself! 
I want to hold onto these moments forever, because I know life will bring about changes. It always does. These moments may be where she takes my hand to show me a new dress or to talk with me about a boy or perhaps a joy about her own child. But for right now, life is about these moments. The simple, sweet, and innocent moments that are wrapped up around the life of a 20 month old girl who is loved by her family, friends, and Heavenly Father. 

Rachel, I am so thankful to be your Mommy and to have the chance to watch you grow and mature. Thank you baby girl for these memories! I Love You!

A Lesson with a Shark

Sometimes the best lessons we can learn are from our kids. This morning I had my whole day planned out. We had two errands to run before heading over to a friend's house to get together.  As anyone can attest getting three kids (or any number of kids) out the door is not quick or easy.  Well as with any day, it did not go as planned, but better. My first change was driving my husband to the park and ride so that he could pick up his bus that takes him to DC each day. The kids and I got home, ate breakfast, and prepared for our outing. I proceeded to make sure that each of the kids were ready to head out the door. Of course, I asked each of the kids to gather a toy to share with their friend. Mary gathered her two dolls and a purse. David insisted on bringing his legos, a set that was not built yet. I kindly and politely asked him to bring something other than legos suggesting even his new shark puppet, Sharky. Now my son is just as strong willed as his mommy and vetoed my idea. I could say that I was calm and patient but my frustration was increasing quickly as the minutes were ticking away. Slowly those two errands were turning into one and then turned into zero. As I was marching over to tell him sternly that it was time to go, something caused me to pause. I stood outside his door and watched him and my heart began to melt and reflected on those precious moments I have with him. Instead of yelling, I decided to pick up the pieces of my morning and start at the best place I could think of, my morning devotion time. I went to my room and began reading my Bible. As I was sitting there, praying and reading, David ran to me with Sharky in hand and climbed on my lap. His words began pouring out..."Mommy, I was praying about which toy to bring and I should not bring my legos. God told me to bring Sharky. I am going to listen to Him." I just stopped because I knew God had just worked in my little boy's heart in a way that my yelling would caused the opposite. He learned a life long lesson that will stick with him much longer than forcing a decision. 

As I reflect upon my own son's lesson I realize the power in the lesson for myself as well. First, of all God teaches us in his own timing. Sometimes we have to step back and wait for God to share His words and wisdom. The other lesson I gained was I need to step back and allow God to parent my children. He is the best parent and the best lessons I can learn are from Him. It is precious to watch your children gain understanding and wisdom in their own relationship with Christ. But it is even more wonderful to know that God, the perfect parent, is caring for my kids. 

Thank you Lord for David's shark puppet.

A Name...

I apologize for my absence these past months. Though, I have been constantly coming up with stories to share or personal reflections on life or even just a few precious moments with my kids, I could not bring myself to sit down and type anything. My heart has been breaking and tearing in two these past couple months and it was not until Saturday that I felt a repair, almost like a stitch that brought healing to my brokenness.
I have been studying the book of James alongside Beth Moore and my mother-in-law. I love the challenges in studying the Word of God and for this stage of my life I appreciate the view that Beth Moore brings to the Scriptures. (As my husband joked this past week-I will always chose something spiritually challenging and he will always chose a fantasy type show). Last week, Andrew and I were watching the session three video where Beth Moore begins to share about a book called "I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy" by Angie Smith. Angie is the wife of Todd Smith, lead singer of Selah, a Christian band. (I have always loved this band and have danced/choreographed to their songs a number of times.) The book is about their fourth daughter, Audrey who was born with an "incompatible with life" diagnosis and later died two hours later. Beth Moore shared this quote: "I can distinctly remember the way grief and joy danced together as if they had a right to" (p. 31).  The dance of grief and joy-what a powerful explanation of my emotions these last couple months. I miss our baby. I miss my body changing with the growing of our child inside. I miss the excitement of walking through pregnancy with fellow pregnant friends. BUT, I am thankful that I am not pregnant because of the exhaustion that coincides. I am thankful because I know the Lord has HIS best for my life and our baby's life. I am thankful because these past two months we have been sick non-stop and I have been able to care for each one of my family members without the worry about myself and our child.
But this past Friday as I was rocking Rachel to sleep I began sharing with her the many people that love her. I began with her Heavenly Father, then her Mommy and Daddy, then her brother David, and her sister Mary, and then in my spirit there came a whisper that her two baby brothers in heaven loved her too. And then my heart healed. I knew deep down inside that we have two baby boys in heaven.
Let me share for a second: We have our oldest, David, a vibrant full of life, seven year old.  We named him after David in the Bible which means Beloved. Our prayer has been for him to be a man after God's own heart. Our hearts desire is for him to seek the Lord and praise Him with every ounce inside of him. I know without a doubt that God has his hands on David as well. At two months old, he beat the odds when he was diagnosed with meningitis and defied all the doctors' expectations. David's middle name is Aaron and comes from both his Daddy as well as my brother. It was a special way to show how David brought together two sides of the family.
We waited awhile before we thought about having a second one. I had finished college and I "was ready". :) After MANY months of trying, finally we had a glimmer of hope. We immediately shared with our family asking for prayer and not a week later I was sitting in an ob-gyn office losing our precious child. At that point in my life I desired a girl so much that I could not bear the thought of losing a baby girl and a boy's name just fit. So the baby was named Joseph William. Joseph means He will add and without a doubt we knew that the Lord would add to our children. Joseph from the Bible was a man who was persecuted all around, but kept his faith in God. He lived in a strange land, but continued to trust God despite when circumstances looked grim. William was for Andrew's grandfather, because the baby was due on his birthday.
The Lord did add and not many months later on a trip to get away we had another baby coming along. Mary Anne, my beautiful girl who has brought peace as well as laughter to our lives. Andrew was job searching when we found out we were expecting Mary and our ultrasound to find out whether she was a girl or boy was to be on his first day of his new job. However, we could not find a place so Andrew postponed his start date by two weeks. Andrew's mom, Andrew, David, and myself were all in the room when we were told we were having a girl. The shock and excitement filled the room. For myself, I had always wanted an older brother and thus I always wanted to have a boy first. But deep down, I also desired to have a sister close in age...and my two girls have that joy. (I love my sister so much and am so thankful for our relationship!) The funny part about finding out Mary was a girl is that we had already decided on her name...James. It was the first time that Andrew and I had come to each other with the same name, well that wouldn't work. After much prayer, the name Mary was decided upon after Mary sister to Martha in the Bible. Each time I would pray for her,I would get the picture of her sitting at Jesus feet worshipping and to this day she loves to worship Christ. Her middle name was decided after she was born and means grace. It is also Andrew's mom's middle name who was there to find out she was a girl and also the name Mary Anne together means worshipful spirit which is so appropriate.
Before Mary was even one years old, we had another one coming along and we were thrilled. I remember thinking we will never have a miscarriage again if we got pregnant so easily with this one. Nine months later another baby girl was born, Rachel Elizabeth.  We had not decided on a girls name, but the minute I held her, the name Rachel Elizabeth was whispered to me. Rachel came from the Bible character who was beautiful and loved by her husband, Jacob. The funny part is that Rachel means female sheep and from a young age she would make bleating sounds. She also to this day loves sheep and saying "baa". Elizabeth is Andrew's grandmother's name, but I have always loved that name and desired to use it.
And since we had lost our precious baby in December I had been wrestling with a name for our little one. After reading, Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo, I knew that our child was in heaven, but whether a boy or girl I just wasn't sure until Friday when I was rocking Rachel. The next day, I knew the name of our child...Samuel Allen. Samuel because the Lord answered our prayer as well as Hannah's in the Bible. Mary was praying for a baby boy and still does. Allen after my father-in-law, Kirk Allen. I will never forget the look on his face when we shared with all of our parents that we were expecting again. There was a look of pure joy and excitement that was unbridled. He was so proud and began sharing with so many our wonderful, joyous news. I know that though I will never hold our baby on this side of heaven that he is and was loved so deeply. His life touched our lives for the three short months that I carried him in my womb. Thank you baby boy for touching my life and the lives of many others. Thank you.
Names...they are so meaningful and gives each of us purpose. I love how the Lord has graciously given us names appropriate for our children and as I watch them grow up how fitting they are. I also love the very fact that we have chosen each of our names from the Bible. Though no one in the Bible is perfect except our Savior, each of the men and women in the Bible were special and important to Christ, just as my children are as well. For myself, my name means follower of Christ. It is my desire to everyday follow my Lord and Savior no matter where that may lead me both physically, but also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Thank you Lord for leading me!

DC Adventure...METRO Style

Now I often, well pretty often try to bring our kids to DC. First of all, it is our nation's capitol. Second of all, we may not live here forever. Third and honestly most importantly is because Daddy is there. So on Tuesday, we chose to go into Washington DC. Instead of driving in like we typically do, I decided to take the metro. What an adventure! First of all, I had planned to stop at the Archives so we could see the Declaration of Independence. Well, let's just say that didn't happen. But after 1 hour 1/2 (of metro travel) we finally arrived in front of Andrew's office. Just as M said " I have to go potty!" Sometimes timing is funny. Thankfully, we arrived at the time A was getting off work. Instead of taking the long metro trip back, we decided to walk across the Capitol grounds to get to a closer metro to our vehicle before our trip home. We stopped and prayed for our representatives who meet there and took a couple of family shots as well. The trip home seemed like seconds compared to the long trip to get to Daddy. Interesting how that happens...

Breakfast David made for us all by himself-Oatmeal! :)

The beginning of the metro adventure...

my beautiful family

On our way home...

"I want to be a big girl and stand"

Our Nation's Capitol-DC