Blessings...in disguise

Have you ever wondered how God prepares you? I have often wondered how I could survive a trial and then I reflect and realize He had been gently loving me when I was clueless to what was about to happen. This is one of those instances. 

To back up a bit...this summer, through God's leading (from a girl at an Amish fruit stand) I danced at our church's talent show to a song by Laura Story. The song was "Grace" and it reflected what I had been journeying through the past few months. It was even more precious to me as my three children came on stage to finish the dance with me, because they truly are apart of my life journey. It was beautiful and definitely made me realize how much I truly love dancing and how much apart of me it is. So, beginning in September I began teaching my daughter ballet and tap at our friends in home studio. During this time, a godly woman from the church asked me to dance in the women's retreat in November. As I begin preparing, I couldn't help but be drawn to "Blessings" by Laura Story. One of the things I am always aware of as a choreographer is not to use the same artist more than once (at least so close together with a similar audience). But I could not shake the feeling that Blessings was the song for the evening. I also asked two beautiful ladies to join me. So we choreographed, we worked, we practice, we danced, and we prepared and shared our wonderful piece with the ladies. I am always moved when I dance, there is something about me giving this gift to my Savior that touches me in a deep place inside my heart. However, this time I was physically brought to tears during the dance, which had never happened before. 

Fast forward and nine days into January we are driving home and I have the thought to switch between our two Christian stations. As I do, "Blessings" by Laura Story is playing. (And my daughter proceeds to say "Mommy Dance!" as she does to any song I have danced to-that she knows about). It was one of the first times I had heard it played since November. And all of a sudden the lyrics in this song hit me in a way that I had not been touched by previously. 

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I had been shedding a lot of tears if not on the outside on the inside. I had been wondering why and struggling with God's purpose and plan through this loss. The loss of our precious blessing that I had been carrying in my womb. The news hit us hard because it was two days before Christmas that we were told our baby had stopped growing. It was two days after Christmas that our precious child left my body. Needless to say it was a holiday filled with many mixed emotions. And it was during this time my husband said that perhaps this was God's mercy for us. At the time, I was not able to discern anything or even think coherently. I was so consumed with the thought of a life inside of me that was already in heaven. The overwhelming loss I felt thinking that there was nothing I could do as this child's mother but pray, hope, and wait. 

So now as I am listening to this song, I am flabbergasted at the way God has been preparing me to not only physically express this song through my dance, but emotionally understand it to a deeper point. God, I know with all my heart that your plan for my life is to "prosper me, not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). I remember our child each time I look at our peace lilly and know that God wanted to hold our baby in His arms now and one day I will hold our precious blessing. I also know that one day He will give us another little one to hold on this side of heaven. And until then I know that I have to trust Him that sometimes the trials of this life are truly His mercies in disguise!